California Dreamin

All the leaves aren't brown but will be soon now that frost is among us and the sky is gray. Maybe I will be safe and warm in L.A. , well actually Malibu Beach and I'm looking forward to going. We leave on Thursday for California and the Breeders Cup an exciting time for horseman and gamblers around the globe. Fact is though I'm apprehensive about going, feel like dogshit to coin a phrase and am afraid I'm going to bring our group down with my health issues. But I've known Tony Posella and his dad since I was 7 years old and Jon Farese since early High School and they know what they're up against. Flying will be tough it's a long flight and a long day for me. I can't swallow and it's hard to breathe at times, very painful. My neck and chest area burn constantly from the radiation and I'm quite swollen. I get fevers at night when I'm tired and become achie and restless. I hope the boys will be ok with me I don't want to bring them down. I also feel guilty about going since I've been useless both at home and work lately and generally let everybody down in my life. But this trip is a gift from my friends not something I've planned for myself so I'm going to go despite my misgivings. I'll miss Wendy and my dogs but maybe this will be a break for Wendy as well. No patient to have to look after for a few days. Thats what I've become lately, a patient with needs and it sucks.

I was cruising through radiation or the first 2 weeks then wham .......knocked me on my ass. My skin is burned and my ears ring 24/7. There's a constant migrane like headache and body aches but the worst symptom is the chest pressuse that makes it so hard to breathe. There's been mornings lately that I just can't take the dogs and I get sooo frustrated . Maybe my mini vacation will help. I'm hopeful.

As always thanks you guys who call, write and well wish. It all helps. Radiation is over Wednesday thank God. I hope to start my physical rehab November 1st and get my mojo back and get stronger. My regimine will be a juicing program of fruits and vegetables and include protein drinks, plenty of exercise and light weight training. Eliminating carbs and fatty foods and some meats for awhile, at least until Thanksgiving. Then we'll see where we are and hear what the Doctors have to say.

My Oncologist in charge Dr.Bednar had a son 2 weeks ago and named him William. Pretty cool. I have faith in him and few others at this point. Hopefully I won't need any of them soon I hope I hope I hope.

California here I come. BS